there are more to come

we just had a quiz on property law. the only subject i have during thursdays.



the coverage was quiet long. And to my surprise, out of 75 articles from the civil code, there were only 2 articles that were asked. with only 2.67% real coverage who would not be surprised right? but this is the beauty of law school. what a sweet torture! though surprises are contrary to my liking.



when i was about to write on the testpaper what occupied my mind was not the answers to the question but the number of questions being asked. it took me few minutes to compose myself and then i started answering.



it was a mixture of emotions. should i feel bad granting i studied from 12noon for that quiz? or should i feel happy since not all of my classmates have the time to study for most of them are working? or should i question the decision of my teacher giving only four questions which covers only two articles of the said statute? or should blame myself for i was not able to anticipate that occurrence? it was very confusing.



we were given 30mins to answer the quiz. i managed to answer it but there were doubts. a lot of doubts. then i found myself staring blankly on the paper. not seeing the words but just the white sheet and the black and blue ink. it was an emptying experience...both of the mind and heart...



i may sound exaggerating for it was just a quiz...but that was how i felt that moment...



minutes passed...then an hour...then i found myself riding on the PUJ on my way home.



grrrrhhh!...i made a mistake!...i felt so dumb about it..the question was so simple but i forgot the exact term. instead of writing by incorporation...i wrote by intention...which is really wrong..my heart became so heavy and my mind was occupied of thoughts of my stupidity...

however, as i tried to embrace the feeling of disappointment, this statement reverberated in my brain cells..."it is just an exam. there are more to come..."...spoken by somebody who is dear to me.



it is true indeed!...it is just a simple logic that anyone could understand...



sitting on that PUJ...i started assessing the situation...



yes, it was a quiz...prelims would be a week from now...i am still a sophomore...there more years to go....the bar would be few years from now...



i realized that if i would be so unforgiving of myself in committing such minute blunder. how would i be if i would make a bigger mistake in the future...would i be dwelling too much to the point of forgetting the good things in life? would it be to the point of killing myself?

no way! too much pessimism in my veins! this is not me!...reboot!!!

...i am not settling on a mediocre performance. but it is quite disappointing given that situation...but it does not end there...i am given a choice....a lot of them...

i could dwell on it for few hours...then drain my limited energy...then forget what to do next...and ruin my night...



or i could embrace the feeling of disappointment...then let it go out of my skull...and move on and plan what to do next time...



these are the two major choices...and i choose to apply the second one...



"...there is more to come..." so simple, yet it cuts deep...



if i choose to dwell on the past...i will not be able to appreciate the present...and will stop looking forward for the future...



i decide to be resilient...i decide not to limit myself...not by the mistakes of the past...rather i will make those mistakes as stepping stone or guiding light to do better today and in the future...



i will feel the negative feeling...embrace it...and then let it go out of my system...unloading my heavy heart and burdened mind...



the brightest side of the situation is...i was able to determine my mistake and the correct answer...and there are more to come...



"...correct me if i am wrong...i highly appreciate it..."---betterment seeker---

the first i love you

it is neither just a feeling nor just a commitment...neither an just experience nor just a choice...it is a mixture of everything...

never thought i would say this seemed to be a cliche sentence-i love you- at this stage of my life. may be it seemed to be cliche to somebody who does not mean what s/he says. but for me it is like a sacred object. something placed in an altar. untouchable.

maybe those who know me would at first laugh at me since this is the first time i would admit that i love somebody. but i do not care about their would-be reaction. i would not limit myself just because they find it unusual.

i do not know even until now where i found that courage to tell him first that i love him. it was the boldest thing i did. i did not even care what would be his reaction or comment to my statement. i all cared was to let him know. period.

moreover, i did not even expect a favorable answer (or was his answer really important?). but it came to my mind what if he wont say the same. however, i dispense that idea not because i was thinking he loves me too and he does not want to tell me but i was thinking loving is not a reciprocal obligation. i do that you may do. it is not like working in a firm expecting for a compensation. it is more than what words could say and what deeds could express.

i could still remember the first time he held my hand. every second we were together. every laughter we shared. every moment our eyes crossed. it may sound i am obsess with this man. but one thing is certain i am happy with his presence in my life.

i love him because i love him.

i do not have plans of finding more reasons why i love him. for if i do, it is no longer love, it is logical. it is being logical when one finds reason in loving. i do not accept those statements like, "i love because you are good to me", "i love you because you do a lot of things for me"...and all those statements expressing the reasons why one loves another except for the reason of love.

one thing remarkable about him. he is the opposite of what i thought of an ideal man when i was young. during that age, the meaning of an ideal man is usually determined by the attributes he has. but now it is totally different. he is an ideal man because i love him. not because he loves me.
if they say that an ideal man is always an ideal man. i beg to disagree...anybody could be somebody's ideal man if one starts loving him.

i never thought that first "i love you" will be followed by more iloveyous. i tell him whenever i want. i am more courageous now since that first moment of revelation. i may not be able to express my love for him in various ways like other girls do but i am thinking saying those three sacred words is one of those.

one thing is certain...when he says iloveyou or iloveyoutoo, it brings a distinct and overwhelming impact on me.

i love you...

"correct me if i am wrong...i highly appreciate it..."...-betterment seeker-

from want to necessity

my teacher would be surprised if he would know this.

just few hours ago, in his class, we were watching a video clip of one of the lectures headed by one of the famous legal minds in the country.
as i was attentively listening to the substance of the talk of this known person in the clip, i was looking at his glasses. the shape, the color, the frame, the fit... and even the story behind why he is wearing eyeglasses were playing in my mind. i was not able to focus then....

then my childhood dream flashed into the air. i used to think that those people wearing eye glasses are rich because they can afford to have one...and...they are genius...this impression left a trivial dream in me...one day i will have a pair so that people will think i am rich and i am smart...i never thought that this idea would be materialized...

months and years have passed but i still did not have one... my family would say that to have one is too expensive since i came from a poor family...indirectly saying...give up that thought of having one.

later on i noticed that my vision was really deteriorating as time passed by...

when i started attending school, there was this test during the early months of the school year conducted by public medical personnels checking if the students were healthy or needed some medical attention. among the examinations was this vision test in which students were asked to look at a snellen chart with letters M, E, and F. and then they determine what letter was pointed by the nurse or teacher. it was composed of five or six levels wherein as one goes higher, he or she should move farther from the chart.

the nurse or my teacher never explained to us the significance of that test. so i thought one should get a perfect score. most of my classmates scored 20/20. i told myself...i should get perfect too...

since practice makes perfect...i tried standing away from the chart and looked at the letters...that was the first time i became conscious of my bad vision...if couldnt read the letters in level 2, how much more in the last level...the desire to get a perfect score drived me to plot a strategy...so what i did was, i went near to the chart and tried to memorize the letters in each level so that if it would my turn, it would not be difficult for me since i knew the orders of the letters already...through out my elementary years, this strategy went effective.

however, there was a point where i could no longer ignore my condition. when was in high school, my teacher would ask me to sit at the back rows since my classmates were a bit shorter than me. but the problem was i could not see clearly what were written on the board. so i had to transfer everytime we were asked to copy the writings on the board. it was really a challenge asking my classmates if they would allow me to sit on their chair...in exchange of my chair situated away from the board. but thanks to God i had generous classmates who said yes to my requests.

during my high school year i had to undergo the snellen test...however, i learned to recognize the problem...moreover., it was not easy to memorize those letters in the chart since all the letters of the alphabet were included...unlike during my elementary years which were only a few...

the worst score i had was 6/20...this is the fraction i hate the most...

sometimes i feel so dumb especially when my classmates laughed at me. i had difficulty of deciphering what words were written....i had to squint most of the times...

my situation got worse...and i was scared thinking i would be blind when i reach the age of thirty...specially when i met blind individuals...

then the idea of having eyeglasses recurred. it used to be a want ...it used to be a sign of being a genius...but then i realized...it is a sign that there is something wrong in me...to the point of labeling myself as dumb specially when i cant read the writings well...it seemed my brain could not function well...now...it is a necessity...i always asked myself...should i get one or not?...

luckily, i was able to endure my high school years without eyeglasses...moreover, even if i decided to have one i still could not get it since it was too pricey for us..

when i entered the university, i saw a lot of students wearing eyeglasses...everytime i see one of them, i would tell myself...this student must be a genius...maybe a dean's lister...i never thought the story behind each pair of eyeglasses...i only focused to what i thought a great impression.

when i was a sophomore, one incident pushed me to use eyeglasses. i was seated in the front row but i could not read the writings of the board. it was alarming for me. then one time the teacher noticed that i had hard time reading the black prints in the manila paper...so she asked me if there was something wrong with my eyes...shyly, i told her ...yes....she offered her chair situated in the platform...the distance of the chair from the manila paper was like two feet away...but i still had to squint to that i could clearly see the black prints...

after that fateful morning....i decided i should get a pair of eyeglasses...

i could still remember the first time i wore it...the comments of my classmates...that i looked like a genius...on the other hand...the comments of my sisters that i looked older than my chronological age says...since i was speechless...i only gave them a smile...but inside me was a feeling of envy towards those who were not wearing one...telling myself...how i wish i have a 20/20 vision.

the want before became a necessity for me...every year i have to get a new one because my prescription gets higher...

it never came into my mind that one day the thing that i wanted which seemed so impressive for me would become a necessity and could mean there is something wrong with me...


"correct me if im wrong...i highly appreciate it..."....--betterment seeker---